TV: (Play by play of baseball game. Fade this volume out as characters begin to speak. Props such as a ball, glove and bat for sound effects as well as a couple people imitating crowd noise could add to the scene.)
Jesus (watching a baseball game in an easy chair)
Mary (walking by, cleaning): Aren’t you supposed to be working today?
Jesus: This is work (picks up a stack of paper and slaps it down)
Mary: It sure doesn’t look like it.
Jesus: Mother, please, I have 10,000 people praying for a home run and 12,000 praying for a strike, not to mention a few dozen praying no one will get hurt and that one Methodist who just wants everybody to do their best. I have to figure out how to make this all look like they have free will but still need all my love and power.
Mary: Well okay, but don’t forget your father had plans today.
Jesus: What is Joseph up to now, he is not my real father you know.
Mary: Of course I know, he reminds me of how he got left out of the gospels almost every day. I mean God’s plan.
Jesus: Oh, right, now what?
Mary: He is still trying to work in adoption. He started that “Adoption, it’s part of God’s plan” campaign before he had all the details worked out and people are getting a little antsy waiting for some results.
Jesus: Why is this my problem? I go down there, tell them to think for themselves, I wrap it all up with “it is finished1”, and they are still looking up in the sky for answers.
Mary: You told them think for themselves? I don’t remember that.
Jesus: Well, not exactly, Aramaic is so difficult and then Mark goes and writes in Greek... I said, “laws are for man2” or something like that, isn’t that clear?
Mary: Yes, well, the “man” part didn’t have much foresight, you could have at least mentioned your mother. Anyway, you also said you came to fulfill the law, not to change it3.
Jesus: As soon as someone figures out exactly which laws I was talking about, I’ll fulfill them. I’m pretty sure they won’t. Why do you think they say, “God works in mysterious ways”?
Mary: You also said you came with a sword4.
Jesus: That was allegory. It was about how change tends to tear families and communities apart. Who couldn’t get that? When Peter went to pull out a real sword, I told him to put it away5. How much more clear can I get?
Mary: Then why did you tell him to go get the sword in the first place6?
Jesus: There was a lot of ad-libbing while we were doing that scene, I can’t explain everything. Ya know, maybe I should just retire.
Mary: You can do that?
Jesus: Sure, the Father hasn’t been needed for ages, all the vanquishing is long done. He’s just symbolic. And now the Holy Ghost is everywhere, flowers, baby’s cries, Muppet movies. The whole thing pretty much runs itself.
Mary: What about the game? (points to TV)
Jesus: If I choose which prayers to answer, we’d either have every batter hitting 1,000 or every pitcher pitching a perfect game. There wouldn’t be a game7.
Mary: What about the end of times?
Jesus: I still can’t figure out how Revelations got in there. The Greeks don’t use it, that’s why they get to be called “Orthodox”. Let them explain it to everyone else.
Mary: We have to leave them with some instructions.
Jesus: It’s all in the book. Or one of the millions of other books that have been written in the last 2,000 years. Look, Paul clearly said, “base the law on love8”, we’ll start that ad campaign and people will adopt out of compassion for their fellow human beings. They’ll be fine.
TV: (Slowly raise the volume of the announcer.)
Mary: Huh, okay, skooch over. (joins Jesus on the couch, grabs some snacks) Who’s playing?
Jesus: (Insert your favorite teams and scenario here. )
Mary: I never really understood bunting, why just tap it like that when you could hit it way out in that big grassy area.
Jesus: The outfield, right, well, it isn’t always that easy, you never know what is going to happen with each pitch, that’s what makes it so fun…..
1 John 19:28-30
2 Mark 2:27 to Mark 3:5
3 Matthew 5:17-20
4 Matthew 10:34-42
5 Luke 22:47-53
6 Luke 22:36-38
7 David James Duncan
9 Romans 13:8-10